MMXI

The feeling when you've been pretty busy for a couple days and you get home (because you were not there before) and it takes you a little while to unload the car, sink into a chair, eat an apple, vegetate for a little while, and then suddenly you just walk upstairs, pull on your 'jamas and pass out for 4 hours with the cats that miss you and smash up next to you and the partially cloudy day streaming in. (Interject yawn.) It feels good.

School starts tomorrow. I always feel stagnant without school running my life. Without bells to ring and tell me where to go, without books and equations, toting around flash drives and English projects, trying to ignore the loud juniors in the library. Trying to stay on task. Warning: someone will have their backpack turtled soon.

New Years was really pleasant. It may not seem like a vacation, three hours away, but it's enough that I can clear my head of this silly senioritis.

Do you ever think of something that you did once, back when you were pleasantly unaware, or in love, or whatever and it makes you want to puke? Flashback alert. You just sit there and think of all the dumb things you did and regret, and when people say that you shouldn't regret the things that you've done in your life you just want to slap them around. It's my life, if I don't think that I should have done something whose to say that I can't take it back other than the laws of physics? I can't go back and change something, not because you say I can't, but because it's impossible. There is no bending of time, but unfortunately, there is in most cases, memory.

I feel like at the end of my post here I would say I have plans for 2011. I don't have any explicit plans. Keep living? Definitely.

Travel.

Learn things that can be applied to everyday life.

A real and wholly satisfying relationship, and not in just the plain old context of boyfriends but having friends that I can count on. I have a couple now that are really close and it takes a long time for people to grow close to me and for me to grow close to them. There isn't an instinctive trust or that whole putting people at ease immediately.

To cultivate something. Now that it is winter I miss fresh vegetables and fresh flowers and fresh life. Like cold mud on bare toes and cultivating really vibrant conversation. Cultivating something that I would loose myself in. Finding something that flourishes and grows.

Biking. Seems odd, but I'm tired of the ho-hum drive between school. Why not bike? It takes longer, it takes more strength, it means waking up earlier, having helmet hair, not getting places on time. But it also means having the wind in my face, living dangerously, getting up at the crack of dawn. I don't know we'll see how long it lasts.

This is not a resolution. Its trial and error living.

Knick Knacks

God I hate Knick Knacks! Even the word, it's like it gets stuck in your teeth on the way out, like a seed and you spit it out. I JUST WANT TO SMASH ALL CUTE LITTLE ITTY BITTY ANIMAL FIGURINES. Just split 'em to bits.

Anyway.

It's the Eve of the Eve of Christmas. You know those movies about the insane relatives that come to your house and tell really embarrassing stories about how one parent or another almost drowned when they were four. Surprise! "So if that had happened, you would never have been born Kate." It's good to know that at least some of Hollywood is based on fact.

But to all, I'd like to wish a Merry Christmas. And to all that don't, Happy Holidays. And to all that don't acknowledge, Happy Winter Break/ Paid Holiday. And who all that... BA HUMBUG!

Wear flannel, snuggle lots, watch Elf on AMC, and go decorate a tiny sapling with one huge red ornament.

And listen--

I love you.

I'm Melting!

Wrapping holiday presents late at night makes me feel elfish.

"And then I just showed up, they were all standing there plastered, the music was terrible. So I dropped trow and ran through yelling 'I've got the GreeeeeeeeEEeeen BeaaaAAAnnnnn Casseroollllllleeeeee!!' and they were staring at that, and it was green. Hopefully they will now appreciate the Holiday dinner party."

So far, I got The Graduate! and Henna for Christmas so I can go about crossing them off my list. However, my good will toward men is slowly degenerating.

"It's like I was playing some kind of game, but the rules don't make any sense to me. They're being made up by all the wrong people. I mean no one makes them up. They seem to make themselves up."

Sincerely,
College

Don't Lick That!

'tis the season for A Christmas Story.

Day Three of being stuck at home. Not counting Wednesday, even though I should count it.

Congratulations are due, I taught myself guitar.
Every time someone else would try to teach me it by telling me what to do their instructions just sort of whizzed over my head, you could hear them, passing by as my eyes glazed over and I became internally engrossed in my own thoughts. I don't take spoken direction well.
But, ye gads! I can read guitar chords! And I even tuned the ancient Yamaha!

So, I haven't completely wasted my free time. I holiday decorated too. AND had a wild rumpus in the snow... all by myself. Dammit. But I really need to go Christmas shopping for the ones I love... most of the time. Which means a trip away from home! Yay!

My grandmother is moving in- to town- not into our home. I've never had a relative close by before. It'll be... interesting.

Speaking of Christmas, this is my Christmas list, even though it's like a week away now. Snuck up on me.

Henna

Indoor Soccer shoes that fit, my old ones are tiiiiight

Beach House CD and or Iron & Wine CD- since I'm missing those in my pitifully small collection

Skis!

Well I mean, I really REALLY need my own laptop

Snow?

The Graduate (So here's to you, Mrs. Robinson)

All Seasons of Freaks and Geeks

Some clothes! But I'd rather buy them on my own.

Peace on Earth

Good will toward men

A pet Nautilus

Tickets to go see Macbeth at the Shakespeare Theater

Curtains

The following books:
The Threepenny Opera
Water for Elephants
Pride and Prejudice and ZOMBIES
The Eyewitness Knot Tying Book -- What? Knots are... cool.
The Little Prince
Girl Who Kicked...
Girl Who Played..


And this-- Quack

Everything is Illuminated

Or it was slightly, fleetingly illuminated, a break in the clouds, the flash of a camera.

Deep breath. Done.
Prediction of snow: high.

Exams this week were hard. I was highly disappointed in myself. Of course, the irony of being disappointed in oneself is that you are the only change in your life when it comes to the will. You have to have will to do things. Things like study and get good grades. Somehow I'm losing the will. Sigh.

Anyway, Calculus and BIO 101 Exams = failure.
English, no exam --yet.
AP Art-- pretty sure my instructor wants to strangle me.

But today is another day, in which, after my Calculus exam I went home and passed out for three hours, because unfortunately I set my alarm on my phone wrong and didn't wake up to go to English. I can make it up, I just hate missing that class because it's my only surviving A. That and English is greeeeaaaat.
So I woke up, pulled my running clothes on and went for a run. Then I ran into my coach because she was running too. Went to Baine's. Hung out. Rented a ton of movies. Watched Sweeney Todd while eating chili (never EVER a good idea).
Now I just have my Shakespeare paper and a bunch of AP Art Homework to do and I'm free at last.

And, my college hunt just turned south for a little while after I got a letter from SUNY-ESF, stating that, no- I did not get in, that my application had been pulled for lack of information. Which, led to a mental breakdown for 10 minutes as I franticly tried to call the Undergraduate Office, which I finally reached and explained that I didn't realize I was missing anything. So, apparently they're reopening my file. Which is good news.

I still have the rest of Hamlet to read and I'll probably not have soccer this weekend, even though I was looking forward to it. Snow bound!

I wish that we could talk about it,
But there, that's the problem.
With someone new I could have started,
Too late, for beginnings.
The little things that made me harassed,
Are gone, in a moment.
I miss the way we used to argue,
Locked, in your basement.

I wake up and the phone is ringing,
Surprised, as it's early.
And that should be the perfect warning,
That something's, a problem.
To tell the truth I saw it coming,
The way, you were breathing.
But nothing can prepare you for it,
The voice, on the other, end.

The worst is all the lovely weather,
I'm sad, it's not raining.
The coffee isn't even bitter,
Because, what's the difference?
There's all the work that needs to be done,
It's late, for revision.
There's all the time and all the planning,
And songs, to be finished.

And it keeps coming,
And it keeps coming,
And it keeps coming,
Till the day it stops

-Someone Great
lcd soundsystem

Change of Scene!

No, really we've got to change the fucking set before the act is over...

I have a comfy corner! It's upstairs at Baine's, and since I spent all day Sunday huddled in it I now claim it as mine. I have the left end (with arm rest) of this ancient corduroy? couch, that when you sit on it sinks half a foot, creating a butt chasm. I then fold both legs over each other and rest my laptop on top. Unfortunately, I'm making due with a folding chair as my coffee table, but Generic White Coffee Mug doesn't mind. It also is set so far back in the room that only on closer inspection can you see me, tap taping away in my cute little elf shoes.

IMA MAKE PUMPKIN BREAD AND THIS IS NOT COPYING BECAUSE THERE'S EXTRA PUMPKIN IN THE FRIDGE FROM PUMPKIN PANCAKES THE OTHER DAY. THERE WILL BE NO NUTS IN PUMPKIN BREAD. YUCK.

So, also, I've been thinking about what I need in the case of a zombie apocolypse, and since I obviously have guns and ammunition I need to ensure my own safety from possibly faulty clothing.

There is no clothing at Urban Outfitters suitable for the zombie apocolypse.

Scenesters die first. People that call scene kids "scenesters" probably die first as well.

I think that from now on I'm going to buy hiking//running boots for my only footwear, because the first rule of the zombie apocolypse is CARDIO. And I really can't run in TOMS. Guess what happens to all the third world inhabitants that TOMS helps shod? THEY GET NOM NOMMED BY ZOM ZOMS. Sorry.

All houses with windows must go.

Where's the nearest CDC?

I'll need almost 200 gallons of gasoline.

And a pick axe.
ROAR.

Family Matters

Melodramatic Thanksgiving is now done.
We fried a turkey.
We killed a possum.
But, my family, is so disconnecte that we can not have a whole day together, with all of us in the same house without a mediator of a TV. We're all slaves to digital boxes. I mean, we can spend a day together, in the same house, but not without frequent outbursts of unpleasent adjectives. So if we ever became ship-wrecked like the Swiss Family Robinson, without modern technology, we would probably kill each other off. I don't know how this would ever change, except that my sister and I will probably move away from my parents, inciting a loss of mental stability as to why we didn't move back near my parents. The relationship I have with my sister, or lack of relationship will then downgrade from there, and so we'll end up in different parts of the country, with families that don't see their relatives. Just. like. now.

So, that's just what gets pushed into my brain on break. Happy holidays.

But in other news, my feet are violet. Violent violet. And really, really cold. Snuggling is now in order.

Seasonally Out of It

I habitually stare out the window during class.
The Autumn weather is going to be my Titanic. Because I can't stay inside to do school work when the most beautiful orange days are fading away. What about when it snows! I'll just have to be inside, and it will be constantly grey. Let me soak up the dirt, and the smell of tomatoes and watch the high cirrus blow across the mountains before its all covered in snow.
Snow... Ski season.

Can I handle the seasons of my life?

I had the urgency to blog because I couldn't focus on school.
Currently studying: Pieter Bruegel the Elder. Electric cars. Logarithms. mRNA. T.S. Elliot.

Currently obsessed with: Obsessions!

Ha.

I'm slowly loosing my sense of humor to my power of analyzing. Like, that area where I analyze something is expanding into the area where my tiny sense of humor is stored. It took it up! It encroached! R.I.P. sense of humor.

strA

And grab your glue gun
And grab you glitter
and grab your clay
'cause they be crafting everything up 'n here.

I feel like I have an underdeveloped sense of arts and crafts. So, when I was a kid I could just mash a bunch of little felty thiings on cardboard and I was assured no matter HOW MANY TIMES I ASKED, it looked perfect (and even then, I was such a fucking perfectionist) but now, now I have to TRY to make beautiful things. And I think about those poor souls in art school and go 'Where do they pull out this infinite amount of ability? Are their brains special? This is bananas!' And then I walk over and put a brick through their window. JK. They'd probably think its this void of a whole and keep it there for the effect when they pull out their 35 mm and start snapping pics evy'where. But I envy them boogers.

I'm stuck on college essays. Time isn't down to the wire yet, but,...yet.

If K--- drops a bomb in the woods, does anybody hear?

Before Sunrise

Daydream delusion
Limousine Eyelash
Oh, baby with your pretty face
Drop a tear in my wineglass
Look at those big eyes
See what you mean to me
Sweet cakes and milkshakes
Don’t you know me?
Don’t you know me by now?

I wish I could take credit for such a master stroke,