MMXI

The feeling when you've been pretty busy for a couple days and you get home (because you were not there before) and it takes you a little while to unload the car, sink into a chair, eat an apple, vegetate for a little while, and then suddenly you just walk upstairs, pull on your 'jamas and pass out for 4 hours with the cats that miss you and smash up next to you and the partially cloudy day streaming in. (Interject yawn.) It feels good.

School starts tomorrow. I always feel stagnant without school running my life. Without bells to ring and tell me where to go, without books and equations, toting around flash drives and English projects, trying to ignore the loud juniors in the library. Trying to stay on task. Warning: someone will have their backpack turtled soon.

New Years was really pleasant. It may not seem like a vacation, three hours away, but it's enough that I can clear my head of this silly senioritis.

Do you ever think of something that you did once, back when you were pleasantly unaware, or in love, or whatever and it makes you want to puke? Flashback alert. You just sit there and think of all the dumb things you did and regret, and when people say that you shouldn't regret the things that you've done in your life you just want to slap them around. It's my life, if I don't think that I should have done something whose to say that I can't take it back other than the laws of physics? I can't go back and change something, not because you say I can't, but because it's impossible. There is no bending of time, but unfortunately, there is in most cases, memory.

I feel like at the end of my post here I would say I have plans for 2011. I don't have any explicit plans. Keep living? Definitely.

Travel.

Learn things that can be applied to everyday life.

A real and wholly satisfying relationship, and not in just the plain old context of boyfriends but having friends that I can count on. I have a couple now that are really close and it takes a long time for people to grow close to me and for me to grow close to them. There isn't an instinctive trust or that whole putting people at ease immediately.

To cultivate something. Now that it is winter I miss fresh vegetables and fresh flowers and fresh life. Like cold mud on bare toes and cultivating really vibrant conversation. Cultivating something that I would loose myself in. Finding something that flourishes and grows.

Biking. Seems odd, but I'm tired of the ho-hum drive between school. Why not bike? It takes longer, it takes more strength, it means waking up earlier, having helmet hair, not getting places on time. But it also means having the wind in my face, living dangerously, getting up at the crack of dawn. I don't know we'll see how long it lasts.

This is not a resolution. Its trial and error living.